California native, Sam Samuelson, recently made the outrageous claim that he is in fact, God. He explained how one night after eating a bag of cheetos and drinking a couple Miller Lites, he fell into a deep sleep and had a dream where he told himself he was God. He said that when most people claim deity, they learn it from God in premonitions and words of knowledge. He believes his case is made because he told himself he was God, which only God could do. Knowing he was indeed God, Samuelson immediately set out on a speaking tour to address his creation.
The transcript from one of his sold out events was recently posted on Facebook:
Hello my creations. I just wanted to get up here in person and apologize that all of you are such dicks. I feel responsible for your existence, and to be frank, I sometimes think I should have made the week one day shorter and just rested on the 6th day. Instead I had this divine idea to create you all. I shoulda seen it coming but I wanted someone to talk to. Big mistake. I once considered humanity my greatest creation and now I’m pretty sure it’s like, trees. You guys had it so easy! I mean, like, I basically just said, here, you two naked people, just Netflix and Chill. Don’t do anything else. Just frickin sit around with Dinosaur’s and come up with stupid names for them. And on that note, when I said name the animals, I meant like, Dave and Sally. Not Tiger and Dung Beetle. But no, you selfish bastards just couldn’t get past your greedy little selves and now there are billions of you and you’re all a special kind of asshole. You already messed up the Earth and now you’re all trying to go up and screw over the moon and Mars and stuff.
And that’s about it, I just wanted to get it out there and publicly let you know that you guys suck so hard. I would say grow the f*ck up but you guys will go all apeshit and tell me I can’t use language, even though I’m God.
If you would like to find out when God will be in your area you can view his tour dates at: