Man records confessional for home playback. Eliminates need for church for the rest of his life.

By: Focks


It’s Sunday. Time to visit the confessional and confess your sins to a man behind a curtain. Sound time consuming? Sound redundant? Local surfer enthusiast Carl Bingecruncher has come up with a simple answer that has increased his time on the waves by some sort of percentage. We interviewed Carl in his old confessional room about his innovative solution to a problem that plagues millions of people.

Fock: “Thanks for taking the time to give us some insight into your world.”

Carl: “Thanks, I’m truly apathetic to be here.”

Fock: “Great. Let’s jump right in. What made you come up with such an innovative solution to sharing your sins with strange men.”

Carl: “Well brah, I grew up believing that we like, sin everyday. We all struggle with whatever our perceived sin is but it is totally rectifiable by just confessing our sins to the man to rid of us of the weird, like, guilt we feel. I noticed that like every time I went to confession, I was really just bingeing on the same sins each week. In my particular case, I felt guilty about 3 main sins and these became the overwhelming focus of each weekly guilt spill.”

Fock: “Do you mind sharing those with my readers?”

Carl: Dope brah, fo sho. It’s like, lack of moderation in masturbation habits, Looking for nip slips on the beach, and weekly murder, but, like, only of those that really annoy me (sic).  One day, during confession, I realized that the number of hail Mary’s I was tasked with reciting were basically the same each confession session. 12 for the masturbation, 6 for the leering and 2 for the murder. Then of course a general extra recitation for all other, like, unnamed sins.”

Fock: “I’m surprised that murder isn’t higher on the list of needed repentance.”

Carl: “Yeah! As was I dude, my 3rd sin use to be ding dong ditching with my homies but that was north of like, 20 Hail Mary’s so I cut that shit out, read the manual, and chose murder to save time.”

Fock: “There is a manual?”

Carl: “Yeah, I think it’s called “Hail Mary’s – a guidebook to erasing sin on a weekly basis” They have other manuals, for different time periods but the only difference is just the math.”

Fock: “So you identified 3 low cost sins and just went with those?”

Carl: “Well, just the murder, there are lesser demands on repentance in areas other than Masturbation and Titties, but I ain’t quitting that shit. We all gotta make sacrifices somewhere.”

Fock: “Not to get to off topic, but what are some of the baseline sins that require the least amount of recompense?”

Carl: “Oh, there’s like, ignoring the poor, that’s 2 prayers I think. And then gluttony, that one is actually minus 2 prayers. According to the manual, the priest actually takes care of those for you during his daily prayer time.”

Fock: “Oh ok, well thats make sense. So what did you do to take action against this surprising organized time waster?”

Carl: “First thing I did was build up my sins for the week. I wanted to really get a good average of sins committed in preparation for confession.”

Fock: “So basically, you just masturbated, looked for tits and murdered someone?”

Carl: “Yeah, it was easy, just went about my week like usual.”

Fock: “Ok, so far not demanding.”

Carl: “Then came the most stressful part for me. Researching and purchasing like a baller handheld audio recorder. I was looking for something with good audio capture that was solid and would last for 5 to 6 years.”

Fock: “Why the specific timeframe.”

Carl: “You know, just in case I wanted to change one of my main sins later on. I’m comfortable with my choices now but people change over time. I figured, with the way technology changes I could have the option of updating my audio recorder whenever I updated my sin choices. Not to mention like, the new additions of the sin manual they put out. God forbid Murder becomes a higher prayer count and I’m stuck with it for life. The cleanup sucks balls”

Fock: “So once you purchased your audio recorder you were ready to enact your plan?”

Carl: “Actually, that a funny story. Sunday afternoon came and I hadn’t yet that day. I rushed to the chapel and got there about 5 minutes early and got two masturbatory sessions in just before my time started. Then everything was ready.”

Fock: “Wow! Two in 5 mintues? Impressive!”

Carl: “Yeah, not gonna say it wasn’t hard, or, at least hard for the second time.”

Fock: “So you sit down in the confessional, press record and let things play out?”

Carl: “You got it. Sat down. Pressed record. Confessed my sins. Left. and never been back, until now, of course.”

Fock: “And so you just play the recording whenever you need a guilt dump?”

Carl: “Yeah, it’s pretty righteous dude. I actually bought a pair of righteous waterproof headphones and play the recording on Sunday afternoons, wherever I happen to be. I could be like, in the middle of a conversation, or hitting the waves, or even be looking for wardrobe malfunctions as I listen. I effectively eliminated all the time it takes during a conventional confession and am left solely with my recitations, which I can do anywhere. Fuckin triumph brah. It’s been awesome, I’ve been able to go on with life normally, increased my time to be able to do fun things that I like doing and still get my sins absolved. Been a pretty big life changer for me.”

Fock: “Well, I’m really impressed with your out of the box thinking and am sure my readers will be excited to implement this incredible idea. Any parting wisdom for my readers that we didn’t cover.”

Carl: “My only advice is probably, hit up the Best Buy on Ocean Front avenue. It’s right off the beach and it gets a lot of chicks on their way to party. Great to look at while researching your recording equipment AND you may just get a bonus peek at a nipple or two.”

Fock: “Awesome, well thanks for your time. I know for myself, this has been time well spent.”
Carl: “Righteous bro! Now I’m gonna get the fock out of here and hit some waves and also hit Frankie in the head with a hammer. It’s getting late in the week and I don’t want to waste my sins. Peaceoooouuut brah!

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