“What is KC?”
This was a recurring question I got while traveling through Chicago last month on business. And it’s not just Chicago. I’ve received the same expressionless question anytime I make it beyond what I am beginning to perceive is an impenetrable force field that surrounds America’s greatest secret, apparently.
This is the answer I give to people when they ask where I am traveling from.
No sweat off my back though, it just leaves more room for me bask in the original and organic cultural revolution that is permeating my community. A culture that Mainstream West Coast Hipsters and Convoluted East Coast Assholes would undoubtedly copy and claim as their own if they weren’t so worried about being so socially predictable.
So here it goes, my answer to the question… “What is KC?”…
BBQ – I really don’t care about which city has the best pulled pork or burnt ends. I’m sure bbq in other spots are great. In fact, I’ve had many different iterations of bbq from around the country. But do you know what it’s not and never will be? KC bbq. In fact, I don’t give a rats ass if we’re ranked #1 or we’re voted worst in class. I love KC’s take on meat preparation. This doesn’t mean I’m judging you or your shitty meat prep, it just means I love the fact I can eat my favorite bbq literally anytime I want. Suck it North Carolina.
If you live in KC, than you are familiar with having as many friends involved in bbq competitions as the general population has biological parents. (You know, because just about everyone has biological parents). And with these friendships comes access to everything BBQ. KC inhabitants get to eat, drink and sleep BBQ which may be the greatest earthly gift besides sex.
You know what else is great about KC bbq that no one ever talks about? The poops. I think back to all my shat’s and some of the best ones originated from the heavy protein intake that comes with a * “tradish KC brunch”. It’s always pissed me off when review’s don’t include expulsion.
*Tradish KC Brunch – When you leave work at 10:00 am to get in line for Joe’s KC.
Again, no ill will towards other cities and the things that make them special. I mean, I couldn’t care less about you but totally no ill will.
BOOZE – There is amazing locally made booze everywhere in KC. I can start my day with a slice of pizza and a Belgium Blonde at Martin City Brewery and then mosey my way over to nowhere because, seriously, why not just keep ordering all of their brews over and over again since I am already here and everything is delicious as f*ck anyways.
In KC there is always tomorrow (probably) to try new things. Like the Boulevard Brewery tour, which feels new every time I take the tour and then drink beer at the end of tour to celebrate the fact that I just took a tour of beer being brewed. Confusing? Only if you’re really hammered, which could happen at the end of the tour.
Or how about the Green Room Burgers and Beer Micro Brewery? Only go here if you’re not a jackass. And if you are a jackass, I don’t really care because I will be glasses deep in “Papa Louie’s Old Country Promise”. And while this sounds sexual, I can assure you it is not. Unless of course the babe sitting next to you is wearing glasses and was the outcome of some promise Old Papa Louie made to his mistress all those years ago.
Oh, and we can’t forget *Boulevardia. Boulevardia is the shit. Music and beer and people and other beer and some different beers and entertainment and delicately placed signage leading to alcoholic beverages. Namely a variety of beer.
*Boulevardia – Coachella if coachella wasn’t a major douchebag.
BEATNIKS – KC has it’s own style. And it’s great because it fits perfectly with my personality which is, giving no f*cks. People wear what they want and everybody pretty much doesn’t give a shit. The one thing you will see uniting peoples fashion and accessory choices are two letters, K and C. There are an increasingly fantastic amount of items popping up showing how proud everyone is to call KC home. Everything from the more well known KC brands Charlie Hustle and Baldwin Denim, to the fly looks coming out of the new startup, KCProud.
BALLS – KC got some balls bro. Major balls. And while you may be thinking this discussion is taking a hairy turn, worry not. I could talk about the blue balled virgin community that we all have amongst our ranks and what we must do to help our lost brothers aim for that coveted hole in one. But not here. No, this paragraphian parameter is delegated to one of the most underrated sports towns in the country. I don’t have time to go into every sporting event you could catch within 30 min of downtown so I will hit three major league teams that boast rich heritages and newly crafted dynasty’s.
1. Chiefs – Arrowhead is the loudest stadium in the country. Period. Eat a dick Seattle. I’m sorry, that’s a terrible and tasteless thing for me to say. What I meant to say was, Eat a lightly toasted dick spread on a bed of kale and cabbage and doused in a heavenly cum bath of petouli vinaigrette. Because that’s how you have to order plates of dickage in the state that tricked it’s citizens into thinking it was “the place to be.” I should really stop. They really can’t be that bad.
What. The. Fuuuuck.
At this point you are an asshole if you don’t give humanity the benefit of the doubt and snopes that shit.
Nothing. Dear God.
Here is the original post on the Capitol Hill Seattle Blog.
Maybe the Capitol Hill Seattle blog is a vast well played farcical commentary on the state of its state? Let’s see what hilarious headline they constructed today…
Aaaaand the top headline for October 4th, 2015 is……. Somebody got shot. It’s a real website. I won’t even bring up the fact that the dude that got shot took it in the foot. Which is totally, perfectly Seattle, but still real nonetheless.
Yeah fuck Seattle.
2. Royals – It should be obvious that the Royals are on this list, but there are a lot of stupid people out there, so I will explain just in case.
- Although it was a rough couple decades, this small market baseball team finally put together a gritty, fun to watch ball club, went to the World Series twice in row and ultimately took home the crown in 2015.
- Kauffman stadium is one of the best baseball stadiums in the country. If you are a real baseball fan you will agree.
- The Royals have the best baseball fans in the world.
Did I just declare things as fact with no real statistical evidence because it’s all a matter of opinion?
Can you find articles and lists which appear to oppose these statements?
Do I care?
Not even kind of.
Soccer is exploding in KC, and we can attribute its appeal to pro KC Futbol organization and craziest fans ever, Sporting KC. Sporting KC is cool. Sporting KC fans are ridiculous. And Children’s Mercy Park is a blast.
In fact, Sporting KC has so positively impacted the KC soccer scene, that KC is becoming the national poster child for American soccer. Don’t believe me? Here are a couple things going on throughout the city.
Boobs – Finally.
It’s no secret that many of you clicked on this article because you saw the word boobs in the title. Clickbait is a real thing we all struggle with. Don’t judge yourself. And although you are awarded no points for your dedication, I present you with this small token of appreciation for wasting your day.
Representing both sides of state line, I give you….
Have a great fockin day.