DENVER – On Friday, September 9th, seven NFL officials were collectively charged for the attempted murder of the NFL’s 2016 Most Valuable Player, Cam Newton. The crime took place at approximately 9:00 MT, and then again at 9:14 MT, 9: 47: MT, and again at 10:12 MT as a gang of NFL Officials allowed Cam’s adversaries to continue to bash his brain in with the crown of their football helmets throughout the night.
One of the worst blasts to Cam’s head was delivered by the Denver Bronco’s Safety Darian Stewart. Stewart did not deny that he hit Cam in the head with his helmet. When asked why he would instigate such a blatant attack, Stewart said, “I just took a shot, man.” The officials who did nothing to stop the blows to Cam’s head have been determined are largely to blame.
We have not asked for comment from Gene Steratore, the mastermind of the officiating gang, as to why why his crew did not try to stop the attempted murder at the outset of the attacks. In a press conference following the game, Cam Newton said, “It’s not my job to question the officials; but it’s not fun getting hit in the head.”
Surprisingly, Cam survived the attacks, but when asked afterwards how he was feeling, he said, “Honestly, I feel shitty.”
We here at FOCK feel that it is highly likely the Officials involved will be convicted, as there were 76,843 first hand witnesses and approximately 25.4 million witnesses watching the crimes take place in real time via their television sets.