Canine Cloning Confounds Conservatives
By: Hoff – Slaughterville, OK
President Obama signed into law today the controversial Animal Control Preservation Act of 2016 amidst the boisterous barking of dogs at the West Boston Seaside Animal Shelter. The president remarked that “today is the beginning of a brighter future for those dedicated individuals that make our streets safer and lives richer by relocating stray dogs to places of refuge.” Critics charged it is just another boondoggle that is a thinly veiled attempt to pander to canine catchers, animal lovers and cloning proponents.
Kevin Macinaw is the father of three young children, has a mortgage and belongs to two bowling leagues. He and his wife, Naomi, live in a modest two story bungalow right next to Doc Freely’s Burger Eden Restaurant in the unassuming town of Slaughterville, OK. All was well with this God fearing, Bible thumping, gun loving family until the that fateful day when Kevin’s employer, the city of Slaughterville, sent out notices that they would be reducing the number of Animal Control Officers on staff. Kevin says, “It was just last month that we were singled out for the excellent job we were doing in removing stray dogs from our community. Who would have thought that in the process of doing our job well, we were also setting the wheels in motion to eliminate our positions? Go figure!”
Union reps of the local AFSCME took up the cause for Kevin and others suffering the same plight. Their solution, which was ultimately adopted by the Obama administration, quickly gained support from locals in Slaughterville. The plan is to clone hundreds of dogs and release them on the streets of Slaughterville and other communities where Animal Control personnel are in danger of losing their jobs. Statistics show that for every 79 dogs that are released, a job is created. 790 dogs create 10 new jobs. The math is simple and understandable.
But that has not stopped critics of the plan to foam at the mouth at the $400 million dollar program. Those opposed say that the price tag of $17,500 per cloned dog is too high to justify. But Obama has been harsh in his response to rabid critics. He said in a recent interview, “There is no mistaking these dog-cloning deniers. They are the same ones who claim there is not enough evidence that the climate keeps changing back and forth. If this program can save just one officer’s job and thereby save his dignity as a human being and taxpayer, it is worth the cost. You should ignore the Limbaughs, Hannitys and Shlaflys of the world. Their negativity does nothing to advance the conversation.”
Skeeter Dongly of Burger Eden had this to say, “Look, Kevin and his family have been coming in here every Tuesday night for the last five years to take advantage of our Kids Eat Free night. If he loses his job, I don’t make the tips I need to keep my car running. It is important that we save his job and others in the same situation. “
Phyllis Shlafly declined to comment due to her death the previous week.