By: Fock – Everyplace, Earth
“It’s just a legal document!” said God, when we dialed him up to get his side of the story. “It is literally a Will. Like, a part of my Will and Trust. Why do these people think everything is for them. Just looking for miracles to fall from the sky.”
We asked God to explain his reasons for drafting the Will and Trust. “My attorney suggested I set one up when he found out I was sending Jesus down to earth, in Human form, to STRAIGHT UP TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO! He was worried that when people found out Jesus died, which is basically me dying, because we are the same person….never mind, I don’t want to get into that right now…. they would all claim they were heirs to the rest of my stuff. I gave them life, what more could they possibly want.”
In explanation to our questions about the “Will” he alludes to in his autobiography he told us, “Misinterpretation. Are you surprised? Humans love misinterpreting everything I say. I give them everything and then they just want more. And they twist words so it fits what they want to hear.”
We then questioned him on how we could actually know what he wanted us to do if his Will was just a document from his attorney rather than his charge to us on how to live our lives. His response. “It’s in the Bible. I literally wrote it out. Word for word. And then sent Jesus down to be an example. Love me. Love others. Help people. Don’t be a dick. Unbelievable.”
“It has to be a little more complicated than that, right?”
“Oh. My. Me! Setting up my Will was complicated. Building the Heavens was complicated. Figuring out what to put in my me-damn burrito is complicated. Do you know what’s not complicated? Just being a human. Good-me people are stupid.”
God then went on what I can only assume was righteous indignation personified and hung up. And then there was an earthquake.