Are you a Democrat or Republican?? – 7 Easy Questions.

By: Dum

Do you want to figure out which political party you favor without knowing anything about politics?  Who really wants to listen to the constant stream of bullshit from the news?  I know I don’t!  That’s why I created 7 easy questions that can determine which political party you should join and rally behind with mindless fervor.

Question 1:  Are you white?  If so, you probably lean more Republican. According to someone that may or may not know what they are talking about, *89% of Republicans are white.  If you are not white then you are probably more likely to be a Democrat.

Question 2:  Are you a woman?  *Turns out if you got tits you are more likely to support the Democrats.  Now don’t get your panties in a bunch about it. I, for one, would never marginalize you or your beliefs.  You are a unique individual that blah blah blah.. you’re a liberal.

Question 3:  Do you think Jesus is a one stop shop to heaven?  Oddly enough *69% of Christians are Republicans.  69 is also a sex position the Lord does not approve of…shame shame Christians.

Question 4:  Are you a millennial who likes to wear short shorts?  *Then you were probably feeling the Bern.  So far no cure has been found, but as you know… horny always wins, and you can’t trump the system… wait… switch that.

trump
Photo: Gage Skidmore via Flickr (CC BY-SA).

Question 5:  Are you rich?  Turns out the more money you have the more you vote Republican. (Unless you are from Hollywood and are trying to get Oscars and stuff. Distribution of wealth only works if you’re poor.)  

Question 6:  Do you have a post graduate degree?  Then it looks like you lean to the left, and not just in your trousers.  But let’s be honest… if you’re in this group you’re probably as cynical as they come, possibly drowning in debt and a true master of the blame game. You also know the answer to everything because you read it in an old book somewhere and believe all stats that support your opinion.  At least the entitlements you vote for will make the pain go away.  Shhhh … that’s it… shhhhhhhh.

Question 7:  Are you an American?  Here is where it actually gets pretty complicated, most Americans are Independent.  What?  How can that be?  About 40% of the population is Independent.  That leaves about a 30-30 split for the other two candidates.  But why do we constantly vote for a Democrat or a Republican? Because you’re a fucking idiot who reads bullshit like this, that’s why.

*All numbers and stats cited are probably sketch as fuck.

 

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