I wanted to get your feedback on something. Yesterday I woke up in Tallahassee in a motel all alone with no energy or desire to leave my room. I had been on a 3 day bender with my friend John for his birthday. John went to school there so he wanted to revisit his old stomping grounds, but mainly we both just used it as an excuse to get away to do a lot of blow without the threat of running into anyone we knew. It was ok, until that moment yesterday morning when I realized he had bailed on me and went home early. I found a note that said “mail me your cut of the hotel, I put it on my card. We paid for an extra day so you don’t have to be in a rush to leave.”
Great… at this moment I was so wore out but couldn’t really sleep. I later got a text from John that said he forgot his left dress shoe in the motel bathroom. He sure did. As kind of a retribution for him bailing on me, I found a sharpie and wrote his address on the bottom of the shoe, stuffed the cash I owed him for the room inside, and went to the post office. They didn’t seem phased when I told them I wanted to mail the shoe as is, no box. After several stamps and packing tape to keep them on, it was off. We’ll see if it makes it. He’s going to be pissed.
The rest of the day I was feeling a little guilty so I wrote this stand up routine to maybe make up for my postal shenanigans. Tell me what you think…
Stand up routine: My Best Friend John
I have a best friend named John.
Let’s see a show of hands of people who have a best friend with the name of John.
If you have two best friends who are both named John, then raise both of your hands.
Ok now… If your name is John, raise your hand.
__(insert number) of you huh… Well this is going to get uncomfortable. Mostly cause you’ve already heard these jokes…. A lot.
I have a best friend named John… did I mention that? It’s not any of you, in case you were wondering. (pause) Sorry (look annoyed).
I feel bad for John sometimes. And again, it’s not any of you. But it seems to me he really got a bad wrap in regards to his name. I mean, for starters he has to share it with a bunch of other dudes, like (stare at one of the Johns) a bunch. (start walking sideways across the stage looking at feet) I’m pretty sure most of them are all douche bags… (stop walking and turn your head to one of the Johns) HE is not a douche bag.
But the name is also used as all of these random nicknames for things that in my opinion don’t really need a nickname at all… Like a guy who is found dead, and nobody knows who he is. How bout just “The Dead Guy”? John Doe isn’t a very logical choice.
What also, I never understood, is calling a guy, who pays for sex, a John. Or why the penis he uses to have said sex is called Johnson… JohnSon… Johns… Son. Ok, I think I understand that now, but why is he a John to begin with? You clearly pay for sex, John (point to random John in the audience), do you feel like it would be ironic if you used a fake name when you solicit a hooker?
“Long Johns” is another one. Long underwear and a long dick shaped doughnut are both called “Long Johns”. This is fucking stupid John (look at a John with anger in your eyes… Stare him down and yell the last line at him before dropping the mic).
I bet you like being named after a toilet…. JOHN!
Let me know what you think…